There comes a time when you either have to decide to live, or decide to keep on doing what is killing you. It may or may not actually kill you, and although it does take countless lives,I am also talking of a more emotional, spiritual, death. I made that decision. I stopped using and drinking and have never looked back. I am done. However, I read some blogs and am reminded of when I was first on this journey, and just couldn’t keep it together. It is sometimes easy to forget how hard it actually was for me to get sober. I always hear people say that they stay sober because they never want to have to experience trying to “get sober” again. This I have found to be true. I remember all the relapses, and how I just wanted to stop but yet I couldn’t imagine living life without my cocaine, weed, and Corona with snakebite shot. (Just to name my usual’s) They soothed me. They were my best friends. They had been such a part of me for so long that to just cut them off seemed literally impossible.
So I had to cut myself off from everyone and everything I had ever known and start over fresh. I went to a treatment center for a long time. A LONG time. Not that it’s necessary to get sober that way, but for me it was. I had so much baggage I had to treat it all at once. I had not only let down my family to the point of my sister kicking me out, but had my mom crying that she didn’t want to bury me, was facing jail time, had almost died, and was raped and traumatized because I went home with a stranger to get drugs. I HAD baggage. But that baggage is what saved me. It pushed me to the point of having nothing left to live for…except the hope that sobriety offered. And so I decided. I was done, and I was never going back.
There is another saying: My worst day sober is 10 times better than my best day drunk and high. Of course, if I choose to just remember the drunk and high part it doesn’t work, but when I remember all the stupid and dangerous shit I did, as well as the suicidal comedowns, and the withdrawal of wanting more…always more; then it rings true. It is my goal in my life to be of support to anyone who is fighting addiction. No matter where on their journey they are. Some of us have deeper bottoms than others. I did so many drugs, and had so much trauma that my bottom nearly killed me. I wanted to kill myself. But I am strong now. At least when it comes to doing my recovery. If you are struggling, just know that no matter what your bottom is, you can overcome it. I am proof. Many, many others are proof. There is always hope in sobriety. There is always hope…period. If you just believe one day, one hour, one minute, at a time that you do not need to pick up RIGHT NOW.
Survivorgrrl 